i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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