So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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