i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
