I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
