she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
