man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
