I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
