It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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