you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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