this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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