I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
