I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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