I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
