Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
