I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
