I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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