yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
