You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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