Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
