I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
