is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
