i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
