I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
