my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
