you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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