i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
