wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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