omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
