i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
