Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
