3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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