is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
