How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
