I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
