why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Randomize
