mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
