I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Randomize
