im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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