I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
