I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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