1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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