i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
