There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
