I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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