Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
