Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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