I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
