its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
