Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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