I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
