Kiss
Puke
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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