Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
