he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
