3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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